All Aboard the Emotional Roller Coaster

Please don't misinterpret any of my less-than-positive musings and mistake them for complaining. After all this, for me to complain about any part of being pregnant would be, in my mind, a sin. That said, it would be completely dishonest of me to pretend that every day is like a picnic in a field full of daisies and butterflies.

The truth is, I am uncomfortable. I am experiencing a lot of unpleasantness. But, would I wish it away? Absolutely not. If being nauseous all day every day for the next six (or so) months means a normal pregnancy, then sign me up. Just because I don't particularly enjoy the symptoms I'm having doesn't mean I'm not happy to be having them. In fact, I woke up one day last week feeling great...no queasiness, no aches and pains. It was absolutely terrifying. I was afraid that if my symptoms went away, it would mean I wasn't pregnant anymore. On days like that, the worry and fear seem to take over and I absolutely cannot relax no matter what I do. The Bible verse that's been helping me is Phil. 4:6, "Be anxious for nothing..." I pray a lot and really try to remind myself that I'm not in control here. Sometimes it helps to remember that God created these little lives. They're His, not mine; they're just on loan to me for a while, and He gets to decide how long that is. What an honor that He's entrusted me with their care!

Telling myself all this does help, but I won't lie, it's also very, very scary, especially for a control freak like myself. I struggle every day with it. I try to have faith, but it's hard. I do, however, have days where I feel certain that everything is going to be fine, and I'm thankful for those. I have to monitor my Google searching. Sometimes I stumble across happy tales of successful triplet pregnancies and deliveries, but often when I search anything having to do with multiple pregnancy, I just find a bunch of stuff about what could go wrong and I get upset. I also came across a photo of a woman pregnant with triplets...hopefully, she was very close to her delivery date because it didn't appear possible for her to get much bigger. And it hit me: that is going to be me. Will I even be able to fit in the car in a few months? Of course, then I feel guilty for thinking that because I desperately want all three babies, even if it means I'll be the size of a barn. Ah, so many emotions!

My next appointment is this coming Tuesday, and it feels like it can't get here fast enough. It's my first appointment with the high-risk OB, a "Perinatologist." They're going to love me when they see the list of questions I've been working on.

I can't wait to see another ultrasound and see if the babies are any bigger. I'm praying that all three still have heartbeats and that they're all growing appropriately. This is the most crucial time for their development, and if something is going to happen to one of them, it will most likely be during the first trimester (although with high-risk, I guess there really is no "safe zone"). We know that the doctors are going to talk to us about "selective reduction," although we've already told them no thanks. To put it bluntly, to decrease the risk of health problems for me and the babies, they would basically get rid of one. Hopefully they'll keep their spiel short because no matter what they say, it's not going to happen. What would I say when I face God one day, "Thanks but it wasn't exactly what we ordered?"

Well, I didn't intend to make this a novel, but as you can see, I could talk all day about this pregnancy! Thanks again for the support and please continue to pray for ALL of us!